1 Drawn in my own sea

Today I woke up again in a sea of tears.

Actually, it was more like a consequence.

You were in the dream like usual, and still asleep but not completely conscious I kept wishing that you could also be with me in reality. During the time we were together this always happened to me, like a daily punishment. It always happens during an " I'm not completely asleep" kind of state. The only problem is that when I really wake up, my brain gets confused like it doesn't want to believe in reality. I still have to do the usual superfast self-localization that we do when we wake up. Where am I?, what day is it?, is it day already? And during that superfast process my brain already knows that something is wrong. I feel it on my chest. During the time we were together I used to be so grateful because all my fears where just... fears. But now, the same kind of though would be applied over and over again.

"I can't believe I am so lucky and so blessed for having him with me. It's a miracle he loves me back and is actually on my life, I've never been so happy. Can you imagine how many people would love to be with their loved ones?"

Now everything is so empty. It's exactly the thought people have when someone they love dies. You think you are going to wake up and they will be there again, but when you realize they are gone, completely gone, is like as if a mass of dust swept the surface of the earth and didn't leave anything for you to survive. Seems like my brain is always trying to find somewhere or sometime for us to be together again, but that is simply impossible, and that word hurts more than the actual thoughts that I had until now. He is gone.

And it's at that moment that everything falls.

I didn't really plan to fall in love like that. It caught me by surprise. I've always been the kind of girl that controls her feelings and plays a bit with others, not with a bad intention, it's just I was never that interested. I liked my ex boyfriends, but I would never marry them. I knew it for a fact. I think I was just too immature to know that in those situations it's better to break up then to wait for things to explode and eventually got me cut with the shrapnel.

This time it didn't even take me to speak to him to fall in love. I now understand why everyone started freaking out when I told them I was dating him so early. I don't regret a bit. It was just like seeing light around him so bright that screamed "I'm the one". I don't know how to explain that feeling. He wasn't even my dream guy. Nothing like that. No guitar, no rock style, no anime kind of person, no messy hair, he wasn't even white with blue eyes. How do you explain such a strong feeling for someone you don't know anything about and that's not even your type?

The time we were together looked like a fairy tale for me, I didn't want to ruin it for anything, and I think that might have been my mistake.

Let me see if you can get it better, when I say fairy tale, I literally mean it. Like a dream, too good to be true. I think that's the reason that he would get mad with me so many times, you know. Besides the fact that I'm naturally clumsy and distracted, being with him was like going to Disney land. You are so amazed that you cannot react. At the time I wouldn't mind to be next to him doing nothing, just because it was more interesting to look at him and feel blessed. I needed to process all that happiness somehow. I was so blinded by happiness and love that I could not understand why was he not completely happy just by staying with me all day, just spending time together without doing anything. I tried several times to put in my mind that I needed to do stuff with my life, work, be productive, at least that would make him happy, but it wasn't coming from the inside so I was never able to do it.

I suppose it should have been something natural to me. Grab my dream and work on it. But at the time, he was the second most amazing thing I've ever seen and felt, right after the goes bumps I felt for graphic novels. Let's say, I wasn't very popular during school. I would spent my day there, drawing and come back home to watch anime. Most of the people say anime it's just a phase, even my parents. But for me it was my escape from school life where kids can be mean sometimes just by attacking the things you like. I remember the day I decided I wanted to be a mangaka. After watching an episode I cried of happiness and decided I didn't need anything in my life but that. Ironically I even told everyone that I would never let a man get on the way of achieving that dream. I inclusively remember my mum saying: "Let's see that happen when you fall in love..." What I said was: "Hell no. There are tons of men in the world. This dream is just one." But, once again: I was too immature at the time.

I was his first girlfriend. I believe that's why I can forgive him so easily for what he did to me. No... Thinking better, I think I would have forgiven him even if he had stabbed me on the back with a knife if he apologised to me after. I think I forgave him just for the simple fact that I cannot feel hate or any other bad feelings towards him.

There wasn't really any reason for him to like me as a person, I now think. But I guess that you can love a person even if you don't truly like their traits. I should have been more aware of that at the time, but I used to feel better thinking: " If he likes me he does, there's nothing I can do."

Something I need you to know is that I truly believe he loved me. I felt it in my bones and I still have in my head the memories that prove it. It wasn't like I was not worth it, just maybe not for his standards, and because of that it didn't take long for him to try to make his first girlfriend, that he didn't know how to deal with, in his perfect picture of dream girl. I think it was a selfish move but I guess he didn't know how to act in that situation.

I think I realised all of that just at the begging of the relationship, but I thought that at some point he would understand that people cannot change, that he had choose to be with me for a reason and that I loved him so much that my love would be enough for us to be together. That was my optimistic side taking over the situation.

As the time went thru, I just gave him all the love I had. Now I think the love I felt was a little bit close to an obsession, he told me that several times but I didn't feel it was true. I didn't feel I was doing anything wrong. How could love be too much? At the time I would also have gave up of my dreams for him. That's when I should have realised something was wrong.

Anyway, at that time I didn't even care about the conversation I had with my mum years ago about never letting a man get in the way of my dreams. I had already put in my head that I needed to change so many things in me to become his perfect idea of girlfriend that the fact that I could gave up of my dreams for him didn't look that bad, I just didn't want him to break up with me. That was my life goal. Make him happy and have him by my side. If I had him, I was complete, he became my passion.

Even if his personality pressured me so much and made me feel so bad about myself to the point that I lost my self-esteem, I still loved him and wanted to be his idea of perfection, not to say that I actually started believing that I really needed to change all about me because I was so wrong and he was doing me the favour of making me become a better person. Now I know that there are thinks that I definitely need to change in my life in order to grow up and I'm thankful for him because of that, but I also know that I didn't need to change anything about my genuine self to make him love me, it should have been something natural.

This time, I was sure I wanted to marry him. The times we spent together were the happiest times I ever lived. Sleeping with him, hugging him out of nowhere, loving him and feel loved back, taking care of him, I never felt so loved and happy in my life. We would dance together to the 80's music surrounded by colourful lights and people, we would try to be Fran and Scott from "Strictly ballroom" and he would go out with me, eat like there was no tomorrow, go to the cinema over and over again, walk together in the city at night and drink hot chocolate with the blurred white winter lights on the background. He would say "I love you" and "You're my baby" like a child and that would melt my heart. He would sing me a lullaby every time I was sad and worry about me in every situation without ever letting me suffer by myself. He would say, "You're the one I want to marry", and I truly believe he was telling the truth.

Apart of the pressure he put on me, he was the perfect boyfriend and I love him more than everything. I know he didn't do it with the intention of destroying me. It's just his way. Maybe if I was already the person he had in mind he wouldn't have pressured me, or maybe if I had been more assertive, without being afraid of him breaking up with me, he wouldn't have felt the right to expect me to change. But this is who I am and I just wish my love was enough to make him love me back.

I will love him forever, but once again I will go to bed, dream about him, and wake up drawn in my own sea.